George Bernard Shaw once said ‘The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.’

And that’s the thing about communicating: you say things that you think are crystal clear, only to find that people have completely misunderstood what you meant. This is because communication is more than words. Your tone, body- language, mind-set, assumptions and listening skills are all part of how you get your message across.

Of course, communicating has to be a two-way process and there will always be information that gets confused or misunderstood, but the good news is that you can learn how to be an excellent communicator – at home, at work and socially. To begin, all you have to do is concentrate on two key skills: listening and speaking.

We all appreciate a good listener, but it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes you one. There are many blocks to listening, the biggest probably being the fact that we think faster than we talk. It is estimated that we speak at about 130 words per minute, while we listen and understand at about 400 words per minute. On top of that     we think at roughly 1,000 words per minute. This means that it’s all too easy to find yourself thinking ahead when someone else is speaking and then finishing their sentence in your head, or at worse, out loud! Switching off is also a common block to listening. We think we know what’s coming next, so we stop concentrating on what is being said. Similarly, we tend to interrupt the person who is speaking because we have already decided what they are going to say and forget that they might just want to finish their sentence before taking your valuable advice on board! All of this, just because of the difference between the speed we think and talk at. It means that it’s practically impossible to stop your mind from racing ahead.

Knowing the blocks to listening is the start of becoming a great listener. They can help remind you to listen to people without interruption, therefore  concentrating on what they say. And it’s not just the words that you need to observe. By watching a person’s body language; their gestures; facial expressions and eye contact, you can read a lot more into what’s really being said. Active listening also means clarifying points as they come up, asking questions and making sure you understand what the person is telling you. Remember, when you are listening properly, your job is not to judge what is being said, but to take in the other person’s point of view or perspective. At a later point in the conversation it might be relevant to debate or challenge, but when you are at the listening stage, you are doing just that – listening.

Many of the skills asked of you as a listener also apply when you speak. Confident body-language and good eye contact send out the message that you’re sincere and present. Yet sincerity and good intention don’t automatically mean that your message is coming across the way you want it to.

If other people are to understand your message, you need to convey it in a way that makes it appealing. And although you can’t read minds, you can be almost sure that the first question in your listener’s head is this: “what’s in it for me?”

Of course, the person you are communicating with won’t know the answer to this until they have heard what you have to say, but within three minutes they will have decided whether to switch on or off to your message.

For that reason, you need to use language that will appeal to people and let them know that “yes, this message is for you!”

Using the word ‘you’ is one way to do this. Advertisers do it all the time. You are recommended to spend money on cosmetics ‘because you’re worth it!’ ‘You’ always sounds more personal that just giving a fact. Remember the famous Uncle Sam poster with the message ‘Your Country Needs You!’ This obviously had a lot more appeal than if it had read ‘This Country Needs Soldiers’. The difference is that using the word ‘you’ makes for an emotional appeal, whereas the second is merely informative.

You don’t have to be blatant in the use of the ‘you’ word. You really just need to ask yourself ‘how will this sound to the other person’ and work around that.

When giving feedback or your opinions, it is time to move from ‘you’ to ‘I’. Good feedback is non-judgmental, so rather than pointing the finger and saying ‘you are far too slow with that’, it can be a lot more productive to say ‘you made four calls today and the average is seven. Let’s have a look at how we can speed things up a bit.’

Be conscious of when and where you give feedback. I use the acronyms ‘RIP’ and ‘PIP’ which stand for ‘reprimand in private’ and ‘praise in public’. Never criticize a person in front of others, but praise deserves as many ears as possible. If you need to address a sensitive issue it is best to do so on neutral ground and not in a place where either of you might feel uncomfortable. Timing is important too. Don’t bring up issues that have happened ages ago, and when emotions are high, wait for them to cool down before dealing with the problem.

 Making the effort to become a successful communicator is rewarding. It makes life easier for everyone and you will notice that people respect a good listener and take you more seriously. Once you start communicating well, you won’t be able to stop. It’s a great feeling!

Mags Treanor 
 

  Mags Treanor works with both groups and individuals in all aspects of career coaching, communication skills and public speaking. She also specializes in CV writing and Interview Preparation.  To contact Mags call : 087 6500700