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What it’s like to be BROKE!

Mags Traenor — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 13:28:33 +0000

I grew up in a middle class family, one that was poor enough not to have a second car or fancy holidays abroad, yet comfortable enough that we were never left wanting for any of the essentials such as good practical shoes, school books or hideous padded polyester anoraks. We did go on holidays, but it was to places like Wexford, or a trip to visit some remote uncle and auntie in an even remoter part of the world, like the outback of Donegal. We were never disappointed at Christmas, and in the run-up to a birthday party, there was a frenzy of baking culminating in a house full of giggling eight year olds and a spread of egg sandwiches, TK red lemonade and butterfly cakes sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.

We were jealous of the well-off kids and made great plans for when we’d grow up. But we weren’t poor.

What we didn’t have was the pulling together and sense of community that they had in the council estate up the road. In our estate, there was much less sharing and although my mother had to work around a tight budget, she never had to pull a rabbit out of a hat or try to glue a shoe back together. Nor could we keep up with the Jones’s in the detached houses with the sea views. They went to Spain and their kids came back with sombreros, sun burn and stories of swimming pools that nobody wanted to know about. They went horse riding and took ballet lessons while we did the free things like the girl guides and playing hopscotch until the rain washed away our game and nobody had anymore chalk. We were jealous of the well-off kids and made great plans for when we’d grow up. But we weren’t poor.

I was young, my peers were broke too and there was something romantic about being a struggling student with a waif-like appearance.

During my teens, my father died suddenly. So by the time I turned 18, I found myself in a new situation. I was in college and living away from home. I had to earn enough money to support myself and I did this by working in a bar two nights a week. The pay covered the rent and I lived off the tips. Somebody gave me a present of an old bike, and although I couldn’t afford clothes or books or anything really other than the basics, I was young, my peers were broke too and there was something romantic about being a struggling student with a waif-like appearance.

It was the 80s, so after college, I did what everyone else was doing and left the country. I had a spattering of German so decided to follow a friend who had started teaching English there. Within a fortnight, I was working for a language school and within a year, I had saved enough money to go and check out the fancy swimming pools and sombreros that I’d heard so much talk of years before.

Five years later I was running my own language school, driving a fancy two-seater sports car and dating a handsome German doctor who shared my taste in exotic travel and good champagne. Even after we got married and had three kids, things weren’t all that difficult when you had a live-in nanny and a housekeeper. It seemed that life was looking good everywhere, so when I was offered the challenge of starting up a training business in Ireland, it seemed like a great idea. We filled a removal truck and trailer, our camper van and Mercedes Benz and headed back to the Emerald Isle with the plan to continue generating bounty and opulence.

When my business challenge failed miserably, I decided that having to let the home help and nanny go wouldn’t be all that bad; after all, I’d have more time with the kids and I could be a better moral support to my husband who at this stage, found himself homesick, hating Irish pub culture and started to develop an emerging allergy to living in a climate of mostly rain

The pressure of living on less and feeling like a total failure didn’t help the atmosphere in our new life of intermittent rainfall and gale force warnings from Mizen to Malin. Eventually he threw in the towel, packed his bags, took one of the cars and headed back to Germany, leaving me with a cleaned out bank account and the three kids. It was almost Christmas and I realised that there was no way Santa would even manage to get a pair of shoes down the chimney, let alone an Xbox, two mobile phones, a drum kit and whatever you’re having yourself. Of course, I was too proud to ask for help, and besides, the St Vincent de Paul knew me - I had given them generous donations up to now, so how could I call in all of a sudden for my hand out?

In all my life I had never been in such a predicament, I didn’t even know who or what to apply for

I managed to juggle money around a bit and get a loan from the Credit Union. Eventually I had to go to the Social Welfare Office and apply for the One Parent Family Allowance. In all my life I had never been in such a predicament, I didn’t even know who or what to apply for, I thought it was still called the ‘deserted wives pension’, which I like the sound of, I imagined myself queuing up at a barred window with a shawl around my shoulders and a child on my arm with a few more pulling out of the bottom of the shawl. But no, it was all very civil; the only thing that was bizarre was the amount of money I was expected to live off. Now I understand now why it’s called the ‘breadline’. It is exactly that. You can afford bread, or to make bread, but if you filled your trolley at the supermarket you’d have the whole budget for the week gone already.

So what happened? Well first of all I learned how to cook a healthy dinner for four for under a fiver and that Charity shops are not places that sell grubby cast offs, but that you can get a designer blouse, bag or shoes all for under a tenner. I learned that when you’re kids grow out of their clothes, you iron them neatly and pack them into black refuse bags and pass them on to other peoples kids, and that if you do that, the same thing will happen to you. A whole seasons worth of clothes will land on your door, all in black refuse sacks just like the ones you gave away.

I realised that asking for help makes you humble, and that you make better friends when you have nothing, because it is you that they like, not the trimmings. I found out that the cheap bubbly in Aldi really doesn’t taste all that different to the real McCoy and that growing your own potatoes isn’t cheaper, but they taste better from your own garden and growing them brings you closer to the earth.

In many ways I became happier than I had ever been before

Inevitably, most people who find themselves stripped of cash will find that they have more time on their hands. I began writing, something I’d always wanted to do, and I found a fulfilment in this that I’d never felt with any other of my successes. The poet Robert Graves once wrote ‘There’s no money in poetry, but then, there’s no poetry in money.’ My values were changing dramatically, and in many ways I became happier than I had ever been before. I tried to be as positive as I could and I would tell myself that I lived near the sea, we were all healthy, and we had a roof over our heads.

Don’t get me wrong though, there’s no romance to being broke. Try explaining to your child that you just can’t afford the €120 for hockey because that is more than half of what you are trying to get through the week on, and think about the trials of constantly saying no to groups of friends suggesting a meal out, or even a few drinks. The cinema or the swimming pool on a wet Sunday afternoon was out of the question. Then there was the constant fear of something unexpected. I remember thinking to myself when driving once ‘if I get a puncture, I’m just going to have to abandon the car.’ And when my son lost his school jumper, they cost about €50 a pop; I knew that he’d just have to get through the rest of the year without another one. Thing is though, we always got through, something always turned up. I remember having about €12 one Friday that had to get me to Tuesday, when I knew the children’s allowance would be in. That morning a letter arrived to say I had won second prize in a poetry competition. There was a cheque enclosed for €50. That money meant more to me than few grand might have done in previous years, and yes, I blew half of it taking the kids for a swim.

In my case I got back on my feet again. The remorseful ex husband began to pay generous maintenance payments (possibly something to do with being chased by the department of Justice and Law enforcement for the recovery of maintenance from abroad), the kids got older and I started up my writing and consultancy business again. This time round though, I don’t have the assumption that once you reach a certain plane you will always stay on it. In fact, now that I’ve experienced both poverty and wealth, money doesn’t mean what it used to, because I know that without it, life isn’t much different, and these days I buy the cheap sparkly because I like it and not because it’s cheap. I’ll never go back to spuds that didn’t come from my garden and I’m convinced that walking the prom is more fulfilling than the gym. But I’ve also learned this: nothing is set in stone and life is as unpredictable as the Irish weather, so you should always be prepared that sometime you might need to pull a rabbit from a hat. Don’t ask me how it’s done, because I can’t work that one out myself, but believe me, I’ve done it more than once, and should you ever end up where I was, believe me, you’ll do it too, and you’ll come out on top in the end. Cheers!

The Secret to True Success

Mags Traenor — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 08:00:55 +0000

They say confidence is the companion of success, so how would you react if someone were to ask you this question: are you successful? For a lot of people success conjures up the image of the rich, the famous and the powerful. In reality though, this is not what true success is about at all. True and fulfilling success actually has nothing to do with achieving wealth, fame or power. Success is personal and it’s different for every individual. The secret to true success is to know just what it is that makes you tick. Understanding how important it is to follow your own personal desires and values is the first step to fulfillment, and that is what success is all about: personal fulfillment.

For example, a few years ago, a friend of mine was running a very busy GP practice. She managed to have two afternoons a week free, was financially independent and had a very supportive family. You could say she had everything going for her, and most people would definitely have labeled her with the word ‘successful’. However, after much deliberation she made the decision to close her practice. The reason was that she had never really wanted to become a medic.

Throughout her school years she had measured success through her academic achievements, and when she graduated from school with flying colours, studying medicine seemed to be the next step to success. At university she followed the same pattern, and it was only when she was a well established doctor that she stopped to ask herself the question ‘is this really what I want from life?’ In her case, it wasn’t. She had always been a passionate gardener. So she decided to follow the dream that she had always been afraid of, and started growing flowers. She now runs a thriving business, growing and selling flowers at country markets. As she told me herself, no matter how good her GP practice was, she was never going to experience personal success at it, as it wasn’t her true passion, her dream. She had been living by other peoples measures of success and not her own.

We all have our own idea of success and most of us will strive to achieve this. And it is true that some will end up being top of their game, while others may not quite make it. But does that mean they are unsuccessful?

The meaning of success is complex. It has numerous definitions and manifests itself in different ways. Ultimately, your success is all about what you are searching for in life, whether it is family or career oriented. Some people’s measure of success is extremely focused. Someone whose dream it is to sail around the world, for example, will have one very clear way to measure that success – whether they get to do it or not. A stay at home mother, on the other hand, may measure her success in a very different way. It all boils down to your perspective on life, and in turn your perspective on what success means.

But it is not always easy to down tools to follow dreams. You might have more than one dream that you want to follow, and sometimes you need to make compromises. But don’t forget this: there are many simple things you can do to feel personal success. It doesn’t matter what it is that you want to do, and you don’t have to better at doing it than anyone else. Just working to be the best you can be, at whatever it is that inspires you, is the true measure of success.

Trying to keep up with other peoples measures is never a good thing. Their successes are purely about them, so comparing yourself to others just isn’t worth it. Instead, focus on what it is that you want to get out of life yourself. If you don’t stop and ask yourself what it really is that you want, you could end up overlooking your successes, or worse, trying to be successful at things that don’t really fulfill you.

It is also important to know the difference between accomplishment, success and true Success. Things that you accomplish are always tasks or actions where there is an end result that you are happy with. It begins with an expectation and ends with a positive completion.

A distinction in an examination is an accomplishment, and in general most of us accomplish things every day without experiencing true success in what we have done. Success is different. Let’s say you complete a number of examinations, resulting in a major qualification, and this qualification in turn, brings you a career that you have always dreamed of, all of these accomplishments added together might be seen as success: in this case, success in business. So you could say that consistently getting the results that you want with regard to your personal life or career may be seen as success.

You can take success further though. This is what I call ‘True Success’.

It is when you chase the things that are close to your heart, the things that make you feel successful, no matter what other people think about them. You could say it’s all about passion and understanding just what it is that makes you tick, because long term, your true successes will always be connected to your heart. And it is up to you make things happen for yourself. As Henry Ford once said, “If you believe that you can do a thing, or if you believe you cannot, in either case, you are right.” So what are the things that really do make you successful? Is it maintaining a great relationship? Leading a team of people at work? Being a stay at home mother running a family? Success can also be about self development, it can be about overcoming a fear or learning a new skill. It is so personal that really nobody else can measure it but you.

Here are some tips to help you on your way to success:

Believe in yourself. If you don’t nobody else will. And remember, what is important to you, might mean nothing to somebody else.
You are the managing director of your own life. All the successes you experience are completely of your own making. Likewise, lack of personal success is also down to you. Your vision and your choices will drive your results. So take control now and enjoy your success!
It is almost impossible to out perform your own expectations, so think big! Wherever you put yourself on the map will determine how far you go. So if, for example, your measure of success is to run a 10k mini marathon, ask yourself if you can maybe stretch it even further. You never know, you might just see yourself running a fully blown marathon if you put your mind to it.
Success is not about luck. Of course, there is always an element of good and bad fortune in everything we do, but if you wait around for somebody to come and discover you, you might be left waiting a long time. It’s up to you to make it all happen.
You reap what you sow, so be careful with what you plant! Your expectation of yourself is the result you are going to get. So have a think about what you really really want.
You are what you think. Positive thinking brings clear results. If you think you can be the master of your own success, it will truly happen.
You already know what you want (even if you think you don’t!) Although you might find yourself reassessing what matters to you and making some changes to your goals, most of us know deep down what it is that we want, and what it is that makes us feel fulfilled
Trust your instincts. Don’t be afraid to go with a gut feeling, you have it for a reason.

Mags Treanor works with both groups and individuals in all aspects of career coaching, communication skills and public speaking. She also specializes in CV writing and Interview Preparation. To contact Mags call : 087 6500700

Get to the point…

Mags Traenor — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 12:58:38 +0000

George Bernard Shaw once said ‘The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.’

And that’s the thing about communicating: you say things that you think are crystal clear, only to find that people have completely misunderstood what you meant. This is because communication is more than words. Your tone, body- language, mind-set, assumptions and listening skills are all part of how you get your message across.

Of course, communicating has to be a two-way process and there will always be information that gets confused or misunderstood, but the good news is that you can learn how to be an excellent communicator – at home, at work and socially. To begin, all you have to do is concentrate on two key skills: listening and speaking.

We all appreciate a good listener, but it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes you one. There are many blocks to listening, the biggest probably being the fact that we think faster than we talk. It is estimated that we speak at about 130 words per minute, while we listen and understand at about 400 words per minute. On top of that we think at roughly 1,000 words per minute. This means that it’s all too easy to find yourself thinking ahead when someone else is speaking and then finishing their sentence in your head, or at worse, out loud! Switching off is also a common block to listening. We think we know what’s coming next, so we stop concentrating on what is being said. Similarly, we tend to interrupt the person who is speaking because we have already decided what they are going to say and forget that they might just want to finish their sentence before taking your valuable advice on board! All of this, just because of the difference between the speed we think and talk at. It means that it’s practically impossible to stop your mind from racing ahead.

Knowing the blocks to listening is the start of becoming a great listener. They can help remind you to listen to people without interruption, therefore concentrating on what they say. And it’s not just the words that you need to observe. By watching a person’s body language; their gestures; facial expressions and eye contact, you can read a lot more into what’s really being said. Active listening also means clarifying points as they come up, asking questions and making sure you understand what the person is telling you. Remember, when you are listening properly, your job is not to judge what is being said, but to take in the other person’s point of view or perspective. At a later point in the conversation it might be relevant to debate or challenge, but when you are at the listening stage, you are doing just that – listening.

Many of the skills asked of you as a listener also apply when you speak. Confident body-language and good eye contact send out the message that you’re sincere and present. Yet sincerity and good intention don’t automatically mean that your message is coming across the way you want it to.

If other people are to understand your message, you need to convey it in a way that makes it appealing. And although you can’t read minds, you can be almost sure that the first question in your listener’s head is this: “what’s in it for me?”

Of course, the person you are communicating with won’t know the answer to this until they have heard what you have to say, but within three minutes they will have decided whether to switch on or off to your message.

For that reason, you need to use language that will appeal to people and let them know that “yes, this message is for you!”

Using the word ‘you’ is one way to do this. Advertisers do it all the time. You are recommended to spend money on cosmetics ‘because you’re worth it!’ ‘You’ always sounds more personal that just giving a fact. Remember the famous Uncle Sam poster with the message ‘Your Country Needs You!’ This obviously had a lot more appeal than if it had read ‘This Country Needs Soldiers’. The difference is that using the word ‘you’ makes for an emotional appeal, whereas the second is merely informative.

You don’t have to be blatant in the use of the ‘you’ word. You really just need to ask yourself ‘how will this sound to the other person’ and work around that.

When giving feedback or your opinions, it is time to move from ‘you’ to ‘I’. Good feedback is non-judgmental, so rather than pointing the finger and saying ‘you are far too slow with that’, it can be a lot more productive to say ‘you made four calls today and the average is seven. Let’s have a look at how we can speed things up a bit.’

Be conscious of when and where you give feedback. I use the acronyms ‘RIP’ and ‘PIP’ which stand for ‘reprimand in private’ and ‘praise in public’. Never criticize a person in front of others, but praise deserves as many ears as possible. If you need to address a sensitive issue it is best to do so on neutral ground and not in a place where either of you might feel uncomfortable. Timing is important too. Don’t bring up issues that have happened ages ago, and when emotions are high, wait for them to cool down before dealing with the problem.

Making the effort to become a successful communicator is rewarding. It makes life easier for everyone and you will notice that people respect a good listener and take you more seriously. Once you start communicating well, you won’t be able to stop. It’s a great feeling!

Mags Treanor