Jon Kabat-Zinn is probably the person most responsible for bringing this age-old word, and the way of being suggested by it, into our ordinary language. Being both a scientist and a meditator, he was uniquely positioned to draw these seemingly separate worlds together in the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program which he founded in the University of Massachusetts Medical Centre in 1979.

Aimed at the many people with chronic medical conditions who had reached the end of what the medical experts could offer, Kabat-Zinn believed that learning how to reduce our stress levels and to take an active role in our own healing had the potential to greatly enhance our prospects of recovery. And this hunch has been borne out by the many scientific studies conducted from the outset, with the result that the Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction course has been replicated and developed in hundreds of settings through-out the world.

So what is mindfulness and how might it actually help reduce stress and anxiety, chronic pain and depression; increase immune function and empower people with chronic medical conditions to live fuller and more active lives?

Kabat-Zinn defines it as “paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgement”. In other words, just being present to our experience of the moment no matter what is going on, whether we find it pleasant, difficult or merely neutral.

This capacity to simply be present is something we all innately have, but how many of us actually live like this?

Most of us feel so pressured by the demands of life that we rush from one task to another, more or less on automatic pilot. Or, when we are not working, we try to fill our time to the brim with pleasurable activities without actually slowing down enough to be able to savour any of them. And, if we experience pain, whether of physical or emotional origin, we definitely don’t want to hang around long enough to know what it feels like!

It is, often, only when we come across circumstances which we cannot change by external means, such as chronic pain unrelieved by pain killers or we feel so stressed that life feels out of control that we question whether there is another way of relating to our experience other than running from the painful and chasing after the pleasant. In mindfulness, we learn to open to whatever is going on with an attitude of curiosity and gentleness.

For example, our normal reaction to having a pain in the back is to tense and brace against it, almost as if we think that if we distance ourselves from it enough, we won’t have to feel it! Instead, what we have done is to add a second layer of pain to the original one.

Bringing an attitude of mindfulness, by contrast, means that we become curious about what the sensation of pain actually feels like, opening to its various qualities one moment at a time to the degree that we are comfortable with, in a gentle and kind way. What had previously been thought of as a solid block of pain may be experienced, at close range, as a series of changing sensations, accompanied by particular emotions and thoughts. Opening to the sensations in this way can sometimes lead to the pain diminishing but, whether it does or not, we find that our relationship to the pain has changed and we have also avoided adding a further layer of pain to the original one. One participant on a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Course in Galway, called Susan, who is living with chronic nerve pain, described mindfulness as having given her a sense of control over her life, allowing her to live her life in a way which is not dominated by the constant pain.

And this attitude of exploration can be equally helpful when it comes to coping with anxiety, sadness, anger or any emotion which we find distressing. Supposing we have just had an upsetting experience, such as a row with the boss, and we are feeling anxious and fearful. Oftentimes, our minds immediately jump in to paint the worst possible scenario: ’My job is on the line; How will I pay the mortgage?’ until we have whipped ourselves up into a state of panic or collapsed into depression, depending on our tendencies.

Mindfulness interrupts this process. By bringing attention to how we experience the feelings in our bodies – maybe a fluttering or tightening in the stomach, a sense of shakiness or a racing mind – we ground our attention in the reality of the moment, thus preventing the escalation of anxious or depressive feelings. Just giving space to our feelings in this way allows them to pass quite naturally and allows us to regain a truer perspective on the situation.

And its not all about coping with difficulties – living mindfully also enhances our sense of pleasure in the little experiences that come our way on a daily basis if we are open to noticing them.

So, mindfulness is as simple as that – being present to our experience in an embodied way- and, yet, it has the potential to transform our lives in the most profound way.

Finola Ó Siochrú offers Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction courses in Galway City. The next one begins on 3 February 2010, and again on 5 May and 29 September. For more information, contact Finola on  finolaos@eircom.net 087 2279071.

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It can also be one of the most difficult, heart wrenching and soul destroying. Spending hours traipsing the bars and nightclubs weekend after weekend looking for that special someone can be expensive, tedious and often just plain futile. Drunken encounters rarely lead to anything other than a one-night stand. We’ve all been there…

If we could harness the enthusiasm men have for sport and channel it towards the dating game, we would have many more romantic victories.

Things have changed, however. The world has become a smaller place. Rapid advances in technology mean that we can now meet people (both men and women) from every imaginable background – all at the touch of a button.

Background (Men & Women)

In the past, life was brutal. No, not the seventies! I mean way back – over one million years ago.

Hunting for food, defending oneself against beasts, as well as the elements, were all part of every day life. There wasn’t much time for messing about – playing silly love games. In order to compete with other men for food and sex, a man had to be tough. For women, the choice was obvious. Choose the strongest male and you’ve guaranteed yourself and your children and their kids the best chance of survival.

Things are different now. What with changing social values, different roles, religion, ipods, laptops, and rudimentary tools like hairdryers, shoes, forks and so on, it’s a bit more complicated…

Problems singles face

In the old days it was black and white – you hunted for food and the strongest got to procreate. Today, we’re a lot softer. Our lifestyles have become insanely hectic. A lot of us just don’t have the time because of work commitments.

Traditional methods of finding a partner are fast becoming obsolete. Arranged marriages are hard to come by  - and don’t work anyway! Building trust and rapport with a woman in a bar/nightclub where you can barely hear your own thoughts is challenging; typically a waste of time for the man and often just annoying for the woman. Meeting a ‘fine young thing’ after church on a Sunday only happens in Glenroe.

Once you reach 35+, things get tricky. If you’re not already hitched, with kids, or in a serious relationship, maybe you’ve failed in life! Well, probably not but it can sometimes feel that way.

Desperation can set in – especially for many career women who have left things a little late and face a ticking biological clock. Where do single people in this age category meet up? There are not many decent venues for the 35+ (single) male or female. Also, over 35s who are single tend to have a smaller pool of friends – making it harder to meet new people. Hanging out with married couples just reminds you of the fact that you’re still single while the married couples express their resentment at not being single! They quickly forget how tough it is to find a compatible life partner.

Being single in the rural parts of Ireland can be really tough. There’s either too many men and not enough women or vice versa. It’s near impossible to meet partners. The days of the ballroom of romance are dead.

Single parents often find it difficult to get out and meet new people, with all their commitment focused on the kid(s). Building trust and finding someone empathetic who understands and accepts that they’ll play second fiddle in the relationship really narrows the field to a select few. Most eligible singles typically want their own.

Unlike women, men often ‘hunt’ alone. It’s kind of hard to feel cool walking up to a big group of girls in a bar by yourself. While trying to come across as George Clooney or Brad Pitt, you mostly just feel like an awkward turd. Yes, motivation and confidence can be hard to muster!

Men’s role as the breadwinner has changed enormously over the past 20 years. Flashing your cash doesn’t seem to work any more either, as chances are she’ll earn as much (or more) than you. Many men struggle to understand their role in today’s society as the extreme feminists argue that men are only good for reproduction.

There’s many problems…but one simple solution. All singles must be proactive.  Ladies are more organised and typically take on ‘The Dating Game’ with energy – backed up by the power of their support groups. Men are lazy; it takes a man a lot of willpower and determination to even get to the starting post of the ‘The Dating Game’. Many fall at the first hurdle, but it’s a game and it can be won. Men need to understand that they must be open to trying new ideas and with some determination, many will succeed.

There are companies that organise singles events – speed dating, dinner dating, adventure days, parties and legitimate matchmakers are all viable methods of meeting new people.

Women need to get over this ‘perfect man’ idea…he doesn’t exist and if he did, he’d probably be as boring as hell. Look for the right man for you, not some knight in shining armor who’ll probably end up being a shallow babbling buffoon. Give real men a chance. Lower the bar of expectation; you could be amazed at what lands beside you.

Most importantly, don’t take dating too seriously, let go, have fun! That’s when you’ll meet that someone special.

Quick Tips!

Be realistic. Success may take some time but don’t give up. Be mentally prepared to face the dating market. Find a friend to help you – it makes it easier.

Be confident. Flirt in a fun way and don’t let knock-backs deter you.

Follow your passions. Whatever they are – sports, music, art etc. There’s someone out there with the same ones as you.

Be open-minded. Don’t dismiss people because of social status, career, appearance etc. Get to know them first. He or she could be the one! You’d be surprised.

Lose the stigma attached to dating organisations. Try speed dating, dinner dating and all methods of dating.

Have fun. Don’t take it all too seriously – life’s too short, be proactive, and get out.

Conclusion

Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it. (Brian Cramer)

The world is changing. And fast.

BUT! One thing remains the same. Finding that perfect partner is still quite simply a “numbers game”. The possibilities are endless and it’s never been easier or more fun. Just get online and then GET OUT!

www.mysterydates.ie

www.getout.ie

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